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CHOOSING THE DESIRED WIFE All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds,
the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings
upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad, and upon his family
and companions. When marriage is spoken of during these "modern"
times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged
marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a
financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that
Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately
we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so
that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a
delightful experience. When living in a free, perverted and corrupt
Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and
tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and
overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are
thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so
the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O
young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry,
for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves
one from immorality..." When seriously considering marriage, you must
pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want,
what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and
peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As Muslims,
we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet
(s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following
the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant,
we can only be successful. WHO TO MARRY? Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should
be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married
for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and
her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed."
This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking,
for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety,
our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm
is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not
guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status
is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes
a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying
her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway. In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said:
"The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit
of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world
is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many
times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three
things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following
ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do
not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful
doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam,
and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith
(and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves,
now taste of what you used to hoard' " [al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar
(r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed,
he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed
heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that
the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife, who causes
pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of
herself and her husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was
the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "the
tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to
Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at
how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man
live unhappily with such a person? QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN. All right, you say, you've convinced
me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple:
Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in
the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the
virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The following are some ayahs
on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking; so note those
fine and appreciative qualities. The following are some ayahs on
the attributes of the wife you should be seeking; so note those
fine and appreciative qualities. "And women of purity are for men
of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[s.24; v.26] "Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient,
and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard"
[s.4; v.34] "It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah
will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims),
who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who
worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast..." [s.66; v.5]. And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those
qualities loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident
in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the
following attributes: - A Muslim woman Among the four known perfect women was Maryam.
She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O
Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in
prayer) with those who bow down" [s.3; v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah
sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh:
behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee,
a mansion in the Garden' " [s.66; v.11]. The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of
their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities
of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank
with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never
seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more
God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more
generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life
and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah,
the Exalted, than her." Ah, you think, but you'll never find such a woman!
Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the
first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from
the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction.
Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike
to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about
through it a great deal of good" [s.4; v.19]. Remember also that
you are not perfect either! KNOWING WHO SHE IS. To find that pious woman, there are two steps
to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation.
In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should
"lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not
display their beauty and ornaments" and also that they "should
not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden
ornaments" [s.24; v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly,
being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice
when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which
includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then
you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see
a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes,
and freely converses with males keep far, far away. I'm sure when
you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not
to twenty other "just good friends". Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse
of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing,
how she maintains eye contact, her clothes, where she spends her
time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak
ones. Yet, after all this, we still have to come to
the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set
a private investigator to track her Yet, after all this, we still
have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want
at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read
her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet,
my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows
whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are
suitable for each other, except for Allah. TRUST IN ALLAH We are choosing our wife for her permanent values;
namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc.
But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are
almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge. Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust
in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for
help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize
His infinite knowledge and wisdom. illustrating how we rely upon
Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that
we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islam is likened
to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house
together as well as putting our trust in Allah. It is related on
the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used
to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as
an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected
them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what
you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl
salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)." I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this
du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere
of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't
we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it?
Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance,
and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please
Him. Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah.
Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting
to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favorite
color is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose
of this salaat. The results of an istikharah can take many forms.
Basically, you go by your feelings, (i.e. you think about everything
carefully and then make a decision). Also, you may notice events
have changed, either for or against you - so you re-evaluate your
situation again - and perhaps your decision might change. Finally,
as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal
of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing
her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything
until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered
her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage.
We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what
is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognizing
that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be,
and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our
Holy Book: al Qur'an. The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw
you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me
in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed
(the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if
this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ". Marriage is a serious
step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half
our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married
for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider
that she will be your life-long companion, the rarer of your children.
Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic
wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary,
so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but
superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking
Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has
commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore
call upon Him by them" [s.7; v.189]. Ask for a companion who
is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our
Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and
make us leaders of the righteous" [al-Furqan, 74]. I cannot
provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust
in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability
to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves
those who put their trust in Him" [s.3; v.159]. Marrying a woman with these characteristics of
piety will be beneficial after the marriage in the following ways: She will be obedient to him in everything lawful/permissible.
She will allow him to fulfil his desires and
she will make him happy and content. She will help her husband by looking after his
health and his comfort. She will be good in child rearing and will bring
up his children as pious Muslims. She will be patient and co-operative when he
is out to earn money for her. She will look after his wealth and property when
he is away from home ex. Jihad. She will prepare a nice welcoming for him when
he returns. She will cook the kind of foods that he likes
(out of her own love, not force). She will maintain herself and beautify herself
so out of his attraction to her, he will keep his gaze lowered towards
other woman. She will help him maintain his deen and help
him improve it. She will not stop him from doing deeds that are
pleasing to Allah, and will stop him from doing the unlawful. She will not make big decisions without his permission,
she will not travel alone against his will, and will not associate
with anyone whom he does not approve of. These are the advantages of marrying the pious
woman. So to anyone who is going out to search for that prospective
wife. To you is the advice, forget wealth and status as your first
priority, forget beauty as your first priority, for wealth
and beauty can both be taken away from Allah (swt). When it comes
to piety, as long as one fears their Lord, He will never take their
piety away for He loves modesty and He loves righteousness over
all things and His servants should love what their Allah loves the
most. Therefore piety should always come first. Now that one has
decided that their prospect must be a pious woman, one who has good
character, one who is known to be modest and one who is God-fearing,
insh'allah they will be successful in this life and the hereafter. May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following
His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide
us with wives whom He loves. "When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am
indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant
when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call,
and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way" [al-Baqarah, v.186] |
